Seinfeld episode- The Postman
by Jonathan Navi
Summary: I wrote a Seinfeld episode titled "The Postman." Enjoy and please provide feedback!


**Seinfeld Episode: The Postman**

(Kramer barges through the door of Jerry's apartment, to find Jerry on the coach making out with a woman with a very athletic body type.)

JERRY: (shocked) Kramer, I'm with some one!

STACEY: No, no, it's ok. He can stay if he wants (smiling).

JERRY: (panicking looking at Kramer) Kramer, you know you're always welcome in my apartment, but as far as my makeout sessions are concerned - not gonna happen (getting hysterical)!

KRAMER: No, no Jerry. It's Newman. He's done it now! (Kramer comes closer to the coach, Jerry gets visibly uncomfortable, Stacey smirks, to which Kramer turns to her, looks into her eyes, smiles and says) Yeahhhh.

JERRY: (rolls his eyes). Get off (knocks Kramer, who then flips over the other side of the couch and lands on the floor)

STACEY: Are you ok? (visible concerned)

KRAMER: (Kramer starts getting up, spots Stacey, flashes a mischievous seductive smile) No damage done…you know…. I elliptical 5 days a week (flexes his bicep [even though ellipticals work out your legs], smiles impressively at his muscles, walks to refrigerator in a muscular way, pours a glass of milk, drinks the whole glass, finishes, and burps)

(Stacey goes to the bathroom)

JERRY: What are you doing here? (exasperated)

KRAMER: It's Newman. He's quit the post office. He's going to pursue his dream Jerry!

JERRY: What, to become the first deep fried taste tester.

KRAMER: Jerry, he's joined the WWE!

JERRY: Newman…(looking shocked)….…the human equivalent of a couch cushion….is going to join one of the most dangerous and physically grueling jobs on earth….?

KRAMER: Yep!

JERRY: (still shocked) Newman, who once got out of breath from opening a popsicle wrapper-

KRAMER: (trying to correct him) creamsicle?

JERRY: No, popsicle.

KRAMER: Well they're hard to open Jerry!

JERRY: Probably so the popsicle has one last chance to melt before fatsos can eat 'um.

(Stacey gets out of the bathroom, goes to kiss Jerry)

STACEY: I'll see you tomorrow ok? I'll be working late tonight.

JERRY: You know I'd really love to hear about this job of yours.

STACEY: I told you, most men don't react well to it. Give it some time.

(Stacey leaves)

SCENE ENDS

* * *

(Elaine and George are walking in the street, in summer)

ELAINE: George, I don't care about wrestling.

GEORGE: Elaine, this isn't about wrestling. I got 4 free tickets from Susan's parents and I have to go.

ELAINE: Haven't these people guilted you enough? Why did they even give you tickets to the WWE in the first place?

GEORGE: Because (looking defeated)…. (slowly) the last time a WWE event came to Madison Square Garden… someone in the crowd died…... from a popsicle that was past its expiration date.

ELAINE: (confused, looking at George) What?

GEORGE: (exasperated)….they're hoping they'll get lucky.

ELAINE: (chuckles) You know, no one eats popsicles anymore. They eat creamsicles now.

GEORGE: What. Everyone loves popsicles.

ELAINE: nah, popsicles are out. Creamsicles are what people are eating.

GEORGE: (getting frustrated) Elaine, when I was a kid, and that Ice Cream Truck came to our street, all the kids would get popsicles. There were no creamsicles sweetheart (angrily). (pause) Creamsicles, hmpf (angry), why would anyone combine ice cream and popsicles in the first place? They're two separate flavors!

(George buys a Popsicle from the street vendor; Elaine buys a Creamsicle)

(George struggles to open his Popsicle….starts to get frustrated as he can't get a grip of the slits)

(Elaine opens her creamsicle in one swift movement)

ELAINE: Enjoying your popsicle? (beaming a sarcastic smile at him)

(George throws his popsicle in frustration, but it accidentally hits a woman in the back of her head)

(The woman turns around, takes off his hoodie jacket, throws it to the ground, and we see Jerry's lady friend Stacey)

(She races toward George...George becomes frantic, turns around knocks into Elaine's creamsicle, and it goes right into his eye)

GEORGE: (screeches in pain)

SCENE ENDS

* * *

(Jerry and George are in coffee shop. George is holding an ice pack to his eye patch)

JERRY: Do you have any idea who she was?

GEORGE: All I know is she was really buff.

(Jerry looks suspicious for a moment, then shrugs it off)

JERRY: Yeah too bad about that...So you can't see anything out of your right eye?

GEORGE: (sounding defeated and irritated) No. Like I said. The cream in the creamsicle made my eye lids puffy and I can't really see through it.

JERRY: Wouldn't the fruit part of the creamsicle make your eyes puffy too?

(George ignores Jerry)

GEORGE: Anyway so you ready to go to WWE tonight!?

(Jerry nods his head in the background, camera only focusing on George)

GEORGE: We could see John Cena, Jerry! Or one of those hot WWE divas!

JERRY: Yeah.

GEORGE: I wouldn't mind getting in the ring with one of them huh.

(Jerry laughs)

GEORGE: Maybe she can put me in a full body hold and make me tap out.

(Jerry chuckles)

GEORGE: So it's you, me, Kramer, and Elaine tonight baby!

JERRY: (now upbeat) Yeah I'm down!

(George tries to slap jerry high five but misses because of his impaired vision)

SCENE ENDS

* * *

(Elaine, Kramer, Jerry, George are on line for the WWE at Madison Square Garden)

GEORGE: WWE Smackdown! We're gonna see action tonight!

JERRY: You think they ever just go out to the ring and say "uhhhh maybe we can settle our argument without a body slam?"

(Elaine, laughs)

JERRY: Who goes to a fight in spandex and an oiled up body?

JERRY: It's like your trying to beat this other guy to a pulp (in a Jewish sarcastic tone)...but then you want to make sure the other guy thinks your skin looks pretty.

(Pause)

KRAMER: Jerry you know Bob Sacamano used to be a wrestler.

JERRY: Really?

KRAMER: Yeah.

JERRY: What made him stop?

KRAMER: Well he got fired. He started jawing with some guy in the crowd who kept throwing stuff at him, and so he leapt over the barricades and ran at the guy, and popped him (makes pop sound).

ELAINE: Jeez

KRAMER: No but it wasn't his fault see because back then he was taking steroids. Roid rage jerry (flicks his fingers at jerry), Roid rage.

ELAINE: Eww why would he do steroids, didn't he know how unhealthy they are for you?

KRAMER: Well Elaine...back then owners would pass around steroids like….like….cocktail franks. You would be practically UNCOUTH (pronouncing every syllable) if you refused.

GEORGE: Wrestlers don't still take steroids do they?

KRAMER: Well the better ones do.

(Loud obnoxious guys in tank tops yelling and chest bumping,,, spilling beer on Elaine)

ELAINE: (irritated) Yeah I don't think they're the only ones….

GEORGE: (laughing) Aww common, get in the spirit Elaine, (George and Kramer flex at each other, shoving each other)

GEORGE: Smackdown!

KRAMER: Smackdown!

(Some guy bumps into Elaine...Elaine is visibly irritated...the guy turns to her)

GUY IN LINE: I am so sorry for bumping into you. This line is soo uncivilized. (Flashes a very handsome, sophisticated smile)

(Elaine awkwardly giggles)

ELAINE: I know (enthusiastic), you'd think we were in a prison riot.

GUY IN LINE: I know, it's like where is the warden and the shotgun?

GUY IN LINE: What's so hard for these Neanderthals to understand, calmly get into a line, single file, and don't crush beer cans on your forehead?

(Elaine laughs)

(Kramer takes his finished beer can, burps, and smashes it on his forehead)

(GUY IN LINE looks disgusted...Elaine looks embarrassed and pivots herself as if she's not part of the group)

ELAINE: So uncivilized. I just came here alone because I thought this was a benefit concert for the World Wildlife Fund!

GUY IN LINE: I know me too! Since when did Madison Square Garden start hosting sporting events?

ELAINE: You know I really think we should leave! Two sophisticated people like us. We should go to a...to the art gala at the Guggenheim! Only one subway ride away (smiling, trying to be convincing)….

GUY IN LINE: (enthusiastically) Maybe we should!

GEORGE: (George and the rest of the guys move closer to Elaine, he looks at Elaine and gleefully says) Elaine if we get in early we can get close enough to the action to throw beer cans at the wrestlers!

GUY IN LINE: (looks disgusted) I thought you came alone...?

ELAINE: (sounding defeated) Well...I mean...sort of. (pause) I felt alone. (voice trailing off)

GUY IN LINE: Yeah, uh huh. (Walks away angrily)

JERRY: (looks at the guy, then at Elaine) That's a shame. (said with relish)

ELAINE: Yep. (she takes jerry's beer can and pours it over Jerrys head) It really is.

SCENE END

* * *

(Inside Madison Square Garden, cameras show the super packed loud crowd. Jerry, George, Kramer are in the 2nd row)

GEORGE: (walking into the 2nd row about to take his seat) Where did Elaine go?

JERRY: She just went to get us snacks.

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE RING: (announces from microphone) Ladies and gentleman, this is W. W. E. SMACKDOWN!

(Fireworks explode all across the stage from above and from the entrance and jumbotron, music starts, the crowd explodes with noise and cheering. George, Jerry, and Kramer get up from their seats and are hooting and hollering)

(The explosions stop, and the music eventually winds down, people return to their seats)

(Elaine returns with snacks)

ELAINE: Here Jerry I got you popcorn, Kramer I got you a hot dog, and George (with a smile) I got you a creamsicle (laughing).

(George gives her an annoyed look)

(The room goes dark and Russian national anthem music starts to play "Rossia sviashennaia nasha derzhava, Rossia - lubimaia nasha strana…")

WWE MALE ANNOUNCER- Ladies and gentleman coming to the stage at 215 pounds, the wild Russian who keeps everyone on their toes, Khrushchev!

(Khrushchev walks down the ramp toward the stage as his theme music blasts, and he starts waving a huge Russian flag)

(Jerry, George, and Kramer get off their seats and start booing and hissing)

(Khrushchev is now nearing the ring and passes by their 2nd row seats)

KRAMER: (yelling at Khrushchev as he passes by) Go back where you came from Russia boy, yeeehaaaaw!

(Khrushchev turns to Kramer and gives him a deadly stare)

(Kramer recoils in fear, jumping backward and doing a full body shiver)

GEORGE: (feeling manic) Ahhh shut up Russia boy, America is gonna whoop your butt!

(Khrushchev turns away from them, and walks into the ring, goes to the side turnbuckle, climbs the turnbuckle, throws his hands in the air, and the whole crowd starts cheering and jeering. He moves to the center of the ring and starts twirling the Russian flag in the air)

(Suddenly the Russian music stops. The stadium becomes pitch black. Suddenly the song "Please Mr. Postman" by Marvelettes plays, "Please Mr. Postman look and see If there's a letter a letter for me, I've been standin' here Waitin' Mr. Postman so patiently", and out from main entrance under the jumbotron drives down a mini mail truck.)

(The truck stops at the ring, and out of the driver seat comes Newman dressed in a tight mail man outfit with its sleeves ripped off, Newman has on a fake tan and oiled arms)

WWE MALE ANNOUNCER- Ladies and gentleman coming to the ring at a portly 270 pounds, a newcomer to the WWE, a man who always delivers, The Postman!

(Crowd screams)

(Newman walks down the stage with a smug look on his face, holding a mail bag, puffing his chest out, and passes by Jerry and the gang in their seats)

NEWMAN: (looks at Jerry with loathing) Hello. Jerry.

JERRY: (matches the loathing) Hello. Newman.

NEWMAN: (still within earshot) It might interest you Jerry to see who my lovely partner is tonight.

JERRY: What are you talking about Newman? (annoyed)

NEWMAN: (looking mischievous) Oh. You'll see. (Newman giggles mischievously and walks away)

(Newman climbs into the ring)

NEWMAN: (grabs microphone and says with a classic Newman delight and smugness) Khrushchev you may think you're tough, (then says each word slow) but you've never dealt with a postal worker before!

(The Crowd boos at Newman)

NEWMAN: Oh and (feigning fake surprise) I believe I have a letter for you. (Newman opens up his mail bag and takes out a letter).

NEWMAN: What is this? It looks like it's from your mommy (mocking tone) Momma Khrushchev.

(Newman opens up the envelope)

NEWMAN: (pretends to talk like a shrill mother) "Oh postman, please don't hurt my little russian boy Khrushchev. He only just stopped having nightmares about you and wetting the bed. Please let my little baby alone"

(Crowd starts cheering)

(Khrushchev can be seen looking furious, making threatening gestures)

NEWMAN: (digging into his mail bag) Hold on now, I think there's another package in here for you (pulls out a big box) It's addressed to (fake reading the package) "my little Khrushchev" (in baby tone) (opens package, pulls out a carton of diapers, throws them at Khrushchev) Huggie's extra small diapers! (Newman lets out an evil cackle laugh)

(Khrushchev comes hurtling down toward Newman and spears him to the ground. Newman gets up, Khrushchev throws him to the turnbuckle and starts waling at him with punches. Newman is getting hurt. Khrushchev then runs to the other side of the ring, and prepares to run from the other side of the ring into Newman to slam into him)

(Then a WWE Diva female wrestler comes from out of nowhere into the ring and spears Khrushchev before he makes contact with Newman. To Elaine, George, Kramer, and Jerry's shock, they see that the WWE Diva is Jerry's girlfriend Stacey)

JERRY: Stacey!

GEORGE: Jerry, it's her! She's the one who attacked me!

ELAINE: Your girlfriend is Newman's partner?

(Stacey picks up Khrushchev and in an incredible feat of strength she body slams him to the floor)

(The crowd starts booing about the interference from Stacey)

WWE MALE ANNOUNCER1- Ladies and gentleman, our very own WWE Diva, Stacey, has come to the Postman's aid and gave Khrushchev a body slam that has knocked him out!

(Stacey then goes to Newman's aid and kisses his lips)

(Video pans to Jerry who has a look of utter disgust and loathing)

WWE MALE ANNOUNCER2- Oh my god, Stacey and the Postman are a couple!

(Newman wobbles toward Khrushchev and falls on top of him. The referee counts 1, 2, 3. Newman has won the match. Newman gets up, realizes he's won and puts his hands in the air in celebration, but weak, his hands fall down, and Stacey comes to help him stand upright.)

(The crowd starts booing like crazy. Some people start throwing things into the ring)

(Stacey brings Newman out of the ring, and proceeds to walk toward where Jerry and gang are sitting)

JERRY: You're in the WWE!? …And you're with Newman (disgusted look on his face)?!

STACEY: I told you you wouldn't like it.

(Stacey sees George and realizes who he is)

STACEY: You! You want some more of me little man?!

GEORGE: (recoils in fear) no…no….I'm good (voice trailing off).

STACEY: That's what I thought.

(Stacey walks away. George notices the creamsicle in his hand. Looks at it. Looks at her)

(Camera pans to Stacey when a creamsicle flies to the back of her head. Stacey turns around with rage and races toward George in the crowd. George's face goes into a panic, he turns around and runs up into the crowd)

SCENE END

* * *

(Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer are in the coffee shop. George has a patch over his eye and his left arm in a cast)

ELAINE: So what ever happened to Stacey?

JERRY: Well after she went berserk chasing after George they gave her a forced urine test and they found steroids in her system. So they fired her.

KRAMER: They fired Newman too.

JERRY: (taken aback) Really? How come? He didn't do anything.

KRAMER: The owner of the WWE found out Newman used to be his mailman when he found old packages in Newman's dressing room. Newman came out of his stage shower wearing a bathrobe with "McMahon" written on it.

JERRY: ahhhhhhh

(Pause, then we see Susan's parents walk into the coffee shop and they spot George, they see the eye patch and his arm in a cast, looking disappointed)

MRS. ROSS: (looking at Mr. Ross, annoyed) I told you we should have just used a hit man.

(George, Elaine, Jerry, and Kramer just look at each other stunned)

 **END CREDITS.**


End file.
